Maybe I just need a therapist

Every once in a while I convince myself that I want a pet, which is ridiculous seeing as I am about the furthest thing from an animal person you will ever meet. (see: my thoughts on cats.) When I go to someone's house and they have a dog I try to be totally casual about letting the dog lick my feet and get all up in my grill, but in reality I'm just like, "animal, get away from me," and my obvious discomfort leads the owner of said pet to continuously call their animal back to them.

The following is an accurate imitation of me trying to act like I'm cool with people's animals:

Yo. Animal. Look how casual and comfortable I am in your vicinity. *cringes in attempt to smile* 

But somehow I still manage to have moments when I convince myself I want to own a pet. And of course if I own a pet it has to be either a cat or a dog, because anything less doesn't really count, right? Right. And so I make a list of the things I do and do not want in said pet. 

We'll start with the Don'ts: 

I don't want animal hair all up in my stuff. Abounding animal hair is literally my worst nightmare and I would rather die than have to run a lint roller over my couch every time I want to sit down. I also don't want to check where I step each time I'm walking barefoot through my backyard, if you know what I mean. Cat liter is probably something that I will never come in contact with ever because the thought of it freaks me out. If I go on vacation I don't want to have to find a place to keep my pet, and I also don't want like a fish or something that will die if I leave it at home without food. So basically, I don't want anything living. 

And now for the Do's: 

I want a cat that kills spiders, because if there's one thing I dislike more than household pets, it's spiders. I also think it would be cool to have a pet with a subtle (or not-so-subtle) Harry Potter reference name, like a cat named Nox or Norris. And here's the thing: I'm paranoid, and I scare easily. If Spencer ever has a job that requires any travel I'm gonna need some protection. So really all I want is a dog that will stop me from being murdered. Or, I guess, stop me from thinking I'll be murdered. Or maybe all I need is a good therapist . . . ?

Armed with this comprehensive Want/Don't Want list, I headed to the mother of all information: the internet. A simple Google search of "Should I have a cat or a dog?" led me to some basic quizzes, the first three of which I decided to take. 

My results shouldn't surprise you:

and

In conclusion, I have decided that a pet is probably not a good option for me. Let this post serve as a reminder next time I get it in my head that I'd like to have a cat eating off of my kitchen counter.



NOTE: Please ignore to the best of your ability any typos in this post. Typo's? Right now I honestly don't even know. (just kidding I know.) I almost wrote "a cat that kill's spiders," so apparently my brain recently decided to get rid of all of my knowledge of the written english language. Cool.