Resume 101

My office at work is next to the marketing office. Bookstore marketing is run by two students, Hillary and Yulee. They are amazing and delightful and I love them. The issue is that Yulee is graduating in December and will be leaving us forever. Through the depression, marketing is looking for a new employee. Someone in the communications department, someone with longevity, someone with experience. I guess the applications have been pretty disappointing so far. They either get people with amazing resumes but no longevity, or people who will be here for years but have no experience.

In order to give them a truly amazing hire option, I decided to send over my resume.

Coming up with the perfect resume is like completing a work of art, putting the finishing touch on a five star meal, or finding the perfect word to complete your poem. It is not for the light of heart. I know this process can be daunting for many, and so I am here to give you a nearly perfect example of a brilliant resume:

Here is the text for your convenience.

Hello. I am applying for the marketing/communication specialist position. I am a super fun, spiritual person with a super positive outlook on life!!!

QUALIFICATIONS
As a family studies major I don’t actually have any experience in marketing, but I have a ton of communication skills. We discuss communication tactics in many of my classes and I know how to communicate clearly. I have been a Relief Society president for about a month and a half now so I guess you could say I have really good experience with people. People love me. I also know how to use Microsoft word cause I write papers for my classes. I have a blog and a Facebook and I also have an account with twitter and like 24 followers so that’s a pretty good representation of how much I get social media. I grew up in this generation, so I think that alone says a lot about how well I would do at this job. I have also taken a few classes from the editing minor. I once wrote a children’s story about Cinderella, but instead of a human she was a snake and instead of her shoe she shed a layer of skin. I think this demonstrates my creativity and shows that I can think outside the box. I once spent my enitre Thanksgiving break at a soup kitchen so I really love service. I have never served the BYU community specifically but, as mentioned before, I am a relief society president so service comes naturally to me. I love going to the dinosaur museum at Thanksgiving Point and playing in the sand pit, and I love when my professors use visual aids in classes, I think it’s really important to remember that everyone has a different learning style. Mine is a hands-on learning style, so I am definitely ready for that experience.

I can start as early as today but I need to let you know that I will be taking two weeks off at Christmas and probably week off at Thanksgiving and every major or minor holiday.

The application asked for a writing sample to be attached. I don’t think that one sample can properly demonstrate my skills, so I am directing you to my blog: www.thatsadie.com. The title of my blog is “Indecisive,” but don’t let that fool you. When it comes to the work field, I am very decisive and able to commit. I will not graduate for another year so I have longevity covered.

Thank you for your time,

Sadie

. . . But in all seriousness. If you think you may be qualified for this job shoot me an email and I will get you in touch with the right people. It will be the best thing that has ever happened to you.

UPDATE: 

I heard back about the position. Here is an excerpt from the rejection email:

Thank you for applying for the marketing/communications position. We regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you an employment position at this time seeing as you already work here . . .

Rejection hurts, but at least we know it was because I am already employed. Silver lining.